Tuesday, February 8, 2011

I'm the king of awkward

So I'm really not sure what a 'proper coming out' is supposed to be. I definitely felt really dumb telling my friends what I had rehearsed over and over leading up to meeting up with them. But it's because they basically already knew, and it's the worst kept secret among our group of friends.

Let me try and explain that. Whether it's because I never had a real girlfriend (the one in middle school doesn't count and apparently she's a lesbian now--go figure), or because I didn't play sports, or because I had some tell-tale signs (whatever those might be), my friends basically suspected I was gay. In high school they even confronted me about it, but I of course denied it. What was I supposed to do? I was scared shitless and confused as hell. I did confess to one of my friends (one of the guys who I told the other night) that I was confused in high school, but his reaction was that it was probably just a phase and that he once was confused a bit, but got over it. Thinking back to it, I have no idea what the hell that was. In a way I think that was the worst advice I could have gotten, because I went on to deny that part of my life for years. But I do not blame my friend for my personal issues. We never really talked about it after that confession.

Ultimately what happened is that I became good at keeping to myself, and at flirting with girls. I never wanted to go so far as to have a relationship with a girl, because I didn't want to play with a person's feelings like that. I don't know if that's a lame excuse or if it makes me sound arrogant (who says that a girl would actually be hurt by an attempted relationship with me?) but I just knew, at some point, that I was not attracted to girls. So why would I put myself through that hell? But I still kept up the farce and even flaunted my ability to talk to girls to my straight friends. So for a while, they just figured that I could get any girl and that I just kept to myself and never divulged details of any hookups I might have. When I went away to college it became easier to hide that side of my life to my friends back home, and so we kind of grew apart.

When I would be home on break, and especially now that I graduated and living back at home, they questioned me about those details of my life. About what relationships i might have been in, or who I've fucked. Well the answer is none. No one. Nothing. It's embarrassing but yes, I've never had a relationship with a guy or girl, never done much but make out with a girl. (There's one story about an experience with a guy, but that's a whole other post). But I would still be closed off about that part of my life. So I guess you can see how my friends would probably suspect that I'm gay. But what really kept me from telling them that I'm gay was not that I was afraid, since especially in the last year I've accepted it myself (as best I can right now I guess). What kept me from telling friends at home is that they would always have these backhanded comments suggesting I was gay, but in really fucked up ways that really hurt me. I don't mean to sound like a bitch, but yeah the ones who supposedly had my back would be the ones who would make shitty comments. I get that I was closed off about shit but I don't think comments like theirs were warranted. Here's just one example: One summer we were hanging out at some block party, and I brought something up about how one of my friends had lied to us about something. I think it was about having graduated school, when actually he hadn't yet, or something, but that's what I was hinting at. No big deal I guess, but yeah I admit it was kinda dick of me to be bringing it up. So I was joking and saying to my friend 'you're a liar' and he said to me 'you're lying to yourself.' I was stopped dead in my tracks and we all knew what he meant by it. But I had to stand there and take it, because I wasn't ready to admit it.

So all along there's this weird dynamic among us 'friends.' I'm sure it's not healthy but I'm not sure I could be strong enough to tell them to just fuck off, or even if that's warranted. But basically that kind of behavior is what always kept me from admitting to them I'm gay. But the other night when I wanted to explain to them, in a heartfelt discussion about how they made me feel, why I never told them, I felt so ridiculous. I thought it was pretty fucked up that when I started my speech one of the guys said 'just come out already. just come out with it.' (By the way, this friend I've been telling you about is all the same guy.) Even when I said I want to say a few things, please don't interrupt, he would say that kind of shit. Is it just that this dude's an asshole? I really felt so stupid and couldn't even get into all the points that I watned to tell them. I get it was sunday night, but I don't know I guess I really just expected more honesty and openness from them.

Also, even now that I told them I'm gay, nothing has changed. I think I'm just at the point where it doesn't matter who I tell, it's just that I need to start living my life. And by that I mean I need to get out there and start trying to find someone to date/hookup with/ what ever. I feel like I'm such a sad case, but I need to just stop bitching and start doing. I guess coming out and not having the kind of reaction I wanted is enough to get me motivated. What I don't like is that it's motivation out of anger. I'm angry these friends acted the way they have. But I also recognize I'm just making all these problems for myself.

Anyways, I think I've rambled long enough. Sorry my posts are so unorganized. I gotta admit that I'm a really bad story teller, like for real I always fuck up even the simplest story. So I apologize if this doesn't make much sense. I'll post sometime about what little experience I got with a guy... cause that's another convoluted dead-end story...

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Here goes nothing...

So I know I really didn't say much of anything in my first post, and to be honest I think it was a bit too carefully thought out. I really want this blog to be a free flow of my thoughts, since I have such a hard time of sorting them out.... so I'll work on that.

Anyways, tonight I'm going to have a proper coming out with some friends. I sort of mentioned this in my first post, but I didn't have a great experience my first time coming out to people, but I largely blame myself. I was too scared to do it and so did it while drunk and since I was still having a hard time accepting that I'm gay myself, it made it all the much harder to talk about things with my friends. That's really what I need, I think, to just talk it over with friends. And so tonight, after my friend gets off work, I'm meeting up with 3 friends (two guys one girl) to tell them. One I had already told (not in the best way) but I hadn't yet talked about it. The other two will be caught by surprise (but probably not).

Anyways I'll write more about myself and how it goes tonight and about my past coming out stories in more posts. OH SHIT, GB just won!! haha.

Alright we'll see how this all goes....

Thursday, February 3, 2011

A Life Unexamined...

For the past year or so I have struggled with the coming out process, which for me has not exactly been the huge relief I always hoped it would be. When I went away to college, not that far away from home, I hoped that I would be able to start anew and get a real chance to let others know who I am. I hoped that in the process I would discover more about who I am. Unfortunately I let my fears stay in control and I continued to deny the fact that I am gay.

When I finally began to confess this truth to friends my senior year, I became a mess and constantly felt like I was humiliating myself and burdening friends with my sadness and failure to just deal. It's not that my friends were unsupportive, just me being insecure about revealing my darkest secret. Feeling empty and lost, I took to the internet to find some kind of support and I found it in blogs. For a year now, I've been reading various blogs on and off, and following the amazing stories of so many guys who have shared the same exact feelings, thoughts, fears, and hopes that I have.

Though I've long toyed with the idea of starting my own blog, I always felt so weird about spilling my guts on one. I think that part of my hesitation comes from not knowing where blogging would take me. I've read all about guys who start a blog and within a few months come out to friends and family. Right now, given my few coming out experiences, I am not prepared to make myself that vulnerable to anyone. But I've also realized that more than anything a blog is a way to reflect on your life. To put down in words the  complicated feelings that every closeted guy has.

That saying is funny when I think about it, "A life unexamined is not worth living." As a closeted gay guy, I've done nothing but examine my life--going over the pros and cons of what a gay life means--but it didn't always seem worth living. So maybe this blog will help me better examine my life, or better yet motivate me to just live a happier life and to be more open.

I'm not sure who'll actually read this, since there are way more interesting blogs out there chronicling dudes experimenting for the first time and telling about their first real relationships with a guy. (I guess I'll share where I stand in that arena in a later post) I hope to get to that point sometime, but for now this blog is a way for me to figure out where to go from here.