Tuesday, February 8, 2011

I'm the king of awkward

So I'm really not sure what a 'proper coming out' is supposed to be. I definitely felt really dumb telling my friends what I had rehearsed over and over leading up to meeting up with them. But it's because they basically already knew, and it's the worst kept secret among our group of friends.

Let me try and explain that. Whether it's because I never had a real girlfriend (the one in middle school doesn't count and apparently she's a lesbian now--go figure), or because I didn't play sports, or because I had some tell-tale signs (whatever those might be), my friends basically suspected I was gay. In high school they even confronted me about it, but I of course denied it. What was I supposed to do? I was scared shitless and confused as hell. I did confess to one of my friends (one of the guys who I told the other night) that I was confused in high school, but his reaction was that it was probably just a phase and that he once was confused a bit, but got over it. Thinking back to it, I have no idea what the hell that was. In a way I think that was the worst advice I could have gotten, because I went on to deny that part of my life for years. But I do not blame my friend for my personal issues. We never really talked about it after that confession.

Ultimately what happened is that I became good at keeping to myself, and at flirting with girls. I never wanted to go so far as to have a relationship with a girl, because I didn't want to play with a person's feelings like that. I don't know if that's a lame excuse or if it makes me sound arrogant (who says that a girl would actually be hurt by an attempted relationship with me?) but I just knew, at some point, that I was not attracted to girls. So why would I put myself through that hell? But I still kept up the farce and even flaunted my ability to talk to girls to my straight friends. So for a while, they just figured that I could get any girl and that I just kept to myself and never divulged details of any hookups I might have. When I went away to college it became easier to hide that side of my life to my friends back home, and so we kind of grew apart.

When I would be home on break, and especially now that I graduated and living back at home, they questioned me about those details of my life. About what relationships i might have been in, or who I've fucked. Well the answer is none. No one. Nothing. It's embarrassing but yes, I've never had a relationship with a guy or girl, never done much but make out with a girl. (There's one story about an experience with a guy, but that's a whole other post). But I would still be closed off about that part of my life. So I guess you can see how my friends would probably suspect that I'm gay. But what really kept me from telling them that I'm gay was not that I was afraid, since especially in the last year I've accepted it myself (as best I can right now I guess). What kept me from telling friends at home is that they would always have these backhanded comments suggesting I was gay, but in really fucked up ways that really hurt me. I don't mean to sound like a bitch, but yeah the ones who supposedly had my back would be the ones who would make shitty comments. I get that I was closed off about shit but I don't think comments like theirs were warranted. Here's just one example: One summer we were hanging out at some block party, and I brought something up about how one of my friends had lied to us about something. I think it was about having graduated school, when actually he hadn't yet, or something, but that's what I was hinting at. No big deal I guess, but yeah I admit it was kinda dick of me to be bringing it up. So I was joking and saying to my friend 'you're a liar' and he said to me 'you're lying to yourself.' I was stopped dead in my tracks and we all knew what he meant by it. But I had to stand there and take it, because I wasn't ready to admit it.

So all along there's this weird dynamic among us 'friends.' I'm sure it's not healthy but I'm not sure I could be strong enough to tell them to just fuck off, or even if that's warranted. But basically that kind of behavior is what always kept me from admitting to them I'm gay. But the other night when I wanted to explain to them, in a heartfelt discussion about how they made me feel, why I never told them, I felt so ridiculous. I thought it was pretty fucked up that when I started my speech one of the guys said 'just come out already. just come out with it.' (By the way, this friend I've been telling you about is all the same guy.) Even when I said I want to say a few things, please don't interrupt, he would say that kind of shit. Is it just that this dude's an asshole? I really felt so stupid and couldn't even get into all the points that I watned to tell them. I get it was sunday night, but I don't know I guess I really just expected more honesty and openness from them.

Also, even now that I told them I'm gay, nothing has changed. I think I'm just at the point where it doesn't matter who I tell, it's just that I need to start living my life. And by that I mean I need to get out there and start trying to find someone to date/hookup with/ what ever. I feel like I'm such a sad case, but I need to just stop bitching and start doing. I guess coming out and not having the kind of reaction I wanted is enough to get me motivated. What I don't like is that it's motivation out of anger. I'm angry these friends acted the way they have. But I also recognize I'm just making all these problems for myself.

Anyways, I think I've rambled long enough. Sorry my posts are so unorganized. I gotta admit that I'm a really bad story teller, like for real I always fuck up even the simplest story. So I apologize if this doesn't make much sense. I'll post sometime about what little experience I got with a guy... cause that's another convoluted dead-end story...


  1. Hey there... ran across you from reading the letter you sent to the blog Virginia is for Closet Cases...I enjoy reading his blog, as you do... coming out is tough... I hid my secret from all but a few for over 30 years, then I got to the point I just had to let it out...my story is linked here: http://borngaybornthisway.blogspot.com/2011/02/kelly.html

    but I also have a blog that just shows my day to day life when i feel like blogging (which has been over 5 years now...damn) anyway... best of luck in your adventures in coming out and I look forward to reading more as I hope you continue to blog... and rambling is not a bad thing, get it out there off your chest... and my blog is www.ramblingalong.com , so you can imagine, I have my moments too!

  2. Hey Kelly, thanks for the support! I read your summary about coming out on that blog--great you're doing so well now! I'm definitely not ready to think about coming out to family, and right now life doesn't seem to be so eventful, but just being okay with myself is a good enough start.

    I'm surprised at how hard it is for me to keep updating this blog, but I promise something will be forthcoming. Thanks again for reading!