For the past year or so I have struggled with the coming out process, which for me has not exactly been the huge relief I always hoped it would be. When I went away to college, not that far away from home, I hoped that I would be able to start anew and get a real chance to let others know who I am. I hoped that in the process I would discover more about who I am. Unfortunately I let my fears stay in control and I continued to deny the fact that I am gay.
When I finally began to confess this truth to friends my senior year, I became a mess and constantly felt like I was humiliating myself and burdening friends with my sadness and failure to just deal. It's not that my friends were unsupportive, just me being insecure about revealing my darkest secret. Feeling empty and lost, I took to the internet to find some kind of support and I found it in blogs. For a year now, I've been reading various blogs on and off, and following the amazing stories of so many guys who have shared the same exact feelings, thoughts, fears, and hopes that I have.
Though I've long toyed with the idea of starting my own blog, I always felt so weird about spilling my guts on one. I think that part of my hesitation comes from not knowing where blogging would take me. I've read all about guys who start a blog and within a few months come out to friends and family. Right now, given my few coming out experiences, I am not prepared to make myself that vulnerable to anyone. But I've also realized that more than anything a blog is a way to reflect on your life. To put down in words the complicated feelings that every closeted guy has.
That saying is funny when I think about it, "A life unexamined is not worth living." As a closeted gay guy, I've done nothing but examine my life--going over the pros and cons of what a gay life means--but it didn't always seem worth living. So maybe this blog will help me better examine my life, or better yet motivate me to just live a happier life and to be more open.
I'm not sure who'll actually read this, since there are way more interesting blogs out there chronicling dudes experimenting for the first time and telling about their first real relationships with a guy. (I guess I'll share where I stand in that arena in a later post) I hope to get to that point sometime, but for now this blog is a way for me to figure out where to go from here.