Alright so keeping up with a blog has proven to be pretty damn hard--and this is that my life's not so eventful right now! ...Well at least in terms of my personal life, work and family stuff has been keeping me pretty busy. Thanks to those who have followed this blog and commented, I promise to try and keep updating more often. I wanna thank one guy especially, closetinva. He has a great blog that's everything from hysterical to intimate and he shared a question I had sent him (with my permission). You can see it here.
Anyways, I guess just a few updates since my last post. The friends I came out to don't really care, they see me no different and we've hung out a few times since with no change. Once in a while the topic of gay will come up (funny how that happens huh) and someone might say "is it okay I use that word," and I just say--DUH! It's never in a derogatory way, and I guess the derisive comments I complained about before have more or less stopped, so that's good. One thing I will say that is weird is that none of these friends have since approached me to ask those questions I kind of expected/wished they would, something that would lead to a deep conversation. I guess it's just that we don't see each other often enough, and I must admit that my friends from home and I have grown a part over the last few years. I mentioned that somewhat before, I guess. But it's good that we can always just hang out without any issue, picking up where we left off.
Besides that I guess I could share a couple things that have gone on. One was that I got drunk with these friends from home since coming out to them, and there happened to be another gay dude there. I kinda felt that my friends were wanting me to chat this guy up, but he was pretty flamboyant and that's just not my type (nothing against flamboyants, yada yada). Of course my drunken horny self ultimately took over and I ended up making out with the guy and maybe some more....damn alcohol. I'm pretty sure I did this in front of some other people that I may not have wanted to find out I'm gay--oops. Nothing bad came out of it though, and in my browned out memory of the night I do remember some really great moments of bonding with these friends. So that makes two hookups with guys (first of which I have yet to post about--that's a whole story I guess so I should write about it sometime). TOo bad both have been under the influence...oy. Now I admit that drinking and these kinds of situations has been a problem for me since I began dealing with the fact I'm gay, but I've come a long way. I do regret that I drink that much to just bond with people, so I've made it a point NOT to drink as much anymore. I've definitely come a long way. Again, what's a bit upsetting is that none of these friends I hung out with that night really approach me after the fact to talk about either what I did (i.e. hook up with a dude), or the bonding we had. I'm absolutely at fault as well, since I'm so damn awkward about drunken nights after the fact, but I wish these friends would just bring up the topic with me. But I do still get a bit of anxiety anytime I have to talk about shit...agh it's all still a work in progress I guess.
The other thing to report is that another night I went out with friends (from college this time around) I 1) didn't get soo schwasted and 2) met a (possibly gay) dude who asked for my number! So this guy is only in the area for a few months studying at my alma mater, and he's a year younger than me, and we only really talked for at most 20 minutes. In the back of my mind I thought he might be gay and he was good looking but I didn't want to 'make a move' or anything. After we all tired at the first bar we were at we moved to another place that was pretty empty and allowed for easier conversation. There this guy and I spoke a bit more, entirely about politics and the unrest in the middle east (he's from the region). He ended up leaving with some girl (who is friend of my friend who's birthday we were out for--doesn't really matter I guess) but before he left he asked for my number. Now I was a bit taken a back because no guy has ever asked for my number before, much less after such a short (albeit enjoyable) discussion. At this point I definitely thought the guy could be gay. We exchanged numbers and he was on his way, and once he left a couple of my friends immediately congratulated me and asked if I was interested. I guess I was/am? Thing is no one knows if he's gay or not--he hasn't come out to any of the people there that night. Though they suspect he might be gay. Though I have his number I haven't contacted him, partly because I'm not sure what the hell I'd say/do and also because my friend says 'the ball's in his court' since he asked for my number. Eh.. that' s kinda dumb to me. But I won't be the one to make first contact, haha. Our mutual friend is looking to see if we have another night out, but that's hard given that people are pretty busy. Oh, and this guy is an actor, apparently... a little bit. That's actually very intriguing to me. I just think that actors can be very in tune with their emotions and I think I like that in a guy. I think.
Alright I've managed to write another monstrously long post. Not too eventful as you see... but just reporting on what's been going on. I'll see if I get that post about my first drunken hookup up sometime soon.
When I came out to my close friends after years of hiding, i was amazed at how awesome they were and they really did not push the point and just treated me like a friend... and I think that is what your friends are doing from what you say... go with it... have fun.. when they want to talk gay, they will... have fun with it!!
ReplyDeleteI saw your comment on Blurred's blog (Closet Case #3498), and There's a lot Icould say, as a Catholic who has been i the closet (except to a very few people) for the 52 years since I realized I was gay at age 16. You can read about that realization on my blog on one of my earliest posts, titled Self-Awareness, and accessible here:
ReplyDeletehttp://naturgesetz-takecourage.blogspot.com/2008/11/self-awareness.html
Some of my thoughts are in the comment I made on the same post on Blurred's blog.
I'd also ask if you've read the Catholic Bishops' letter, "Always Our Children," because I think if one reads it without a chip on one's shoulder, it is very accepting of gay people, even though it does not condone gay sex. If you haven't read it, it may give you a batter outlook on the Church. It will also be good to have available if you ever decide to come out to your parents.
I'd remind you that being gay, and accepting yourself as such does not automatically answer the question of whether you are going to have sex with guys.
Finally, responding to your comment, let me suggest that if you want your friends to talk to you about what happened that evening when you were drunk and they don't bring it up, then maybe you should bring it up yourself. It would be easier if they asked you, but maybe they think they're being respectful, maybe they think you'd be embarrassed if they talked about it, maybe it would be as awkward for them to ask about it as it is for you to start the conversation. I've spent a lifetime not talking about things, waiting for other people to start the conversation and assuming when they didn't that they didn't want to talk about it. I just had it pointed out that they might be waiting for me to say something and assuming I didn't want to talk when I didn't say something. So go ahead. Say something like, "About that night — I'm kind of embarrassed/ surprised at myself/disappointed in myself [or however you actually feel] because …"
I've decided to follow your blog. I hope you'll continue to let us know how things are going from time to time. (With maybe a little editing, the comment that brought me here could make a good post to this blog.)
God bless you.
@naturgesetz, thanks for the comment. I don't know about that letter but I'll definitely look it up. I read your post that you left a link to, which was pretty succinct. (Didn't have time to continue reading other posts of your blog, sorry!) I can't say I ever had a eureka moment where I realized I'm gay, but I can happily report that I'm okay with it personally at this point.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I am just at a point in my life where I can't really live my life, specifically: actively seek out a relationship. You seem to suggest in you comment that one could be gay, and not have gay sex, which yes, I agree, is a possibility. Still, I want a relationship just like anyone else, including sex. Religion isn't the main holdup in my life, and if anything it's a small one. I just figure that I'll deal with that as it comes. For now I just need to get other aspects of my life--like my career!--in order.
As for my friends and talking to them about stuff, you're right I should be the one to initiate conversation. I have had a few conversations about being gay with them, but nothing major. I realize that it's because they really don't care and our relationship continues as normal. I'm sure that if I did have a relationship with a guy, they would be totally cool and would have the typical conversation/opinions/sharing that normal friends have re: relationships.
Anyways, I've rambled long enough again. Thanks for following my blog. I'll try and start posting more here, though I don't really have much to report on!